Cancer of the Mind

I have cancer of the mind. I can feel each tick of a second as if it lasts a lifetime. It's numbing yet all encompassing at the same time. It pulls your body downwards, your eyelids almost closing, your mouth immobile. Your head is the heaviest part of your body and it feels like it could snap off your neck at any moment. But the physical compares nothing to your thoughts. All I want to do is die. My friend lives in a high rise condo downtown with a balcony. One jump and all of this would be over. A subway train would be fast but messy.
Disturbed yet? You should be. The demon is still there, snaking its way in my brain. Beckoning me until it is too late to turn back. I can't win. As much as I pull and tug the demon will not budge. It simply moves from my mind to my soul, eating my insides away.

Concentrate On Today

Everything I Am

I may not be the prettiest or the wittiest
I may not be the smartest or the kindest
I may not be the bravest or the funniest
I may not be everything you expect
But I am true to myself.
What more can I ask for?

Will It Always Be Like This?

Wow. I can't believe I made it through another day like yesterday. I feel much better today but still a little worn out. Part of what got to me yesterday was: what if I have these experiences every few months for the rest of my life? I really don't know if I am strong enough to survive that.

Bad Week

I haven't been doing so well since I've returned back to school. I've had two days of depression, one where I just cried all day. I hate this so much and sometimes it just feels so fucking unfair. It makes me want to give up. So right now I'm lying in bed. I can't move. I tried to go shower earlier but I couldn't bring myself to follow through. I haven't eaten. I just want to be all alone. I am engulfed and I hate it. But it feels like there is no other way.