Dying vs. Escape

Sometimes the division of my thoughts of death and just not being present anymore turn gray. When I am depressed it is death I want, but my real self only wants an escape from the pain. My internal pain is indescribable, but I'll try. Imagine you are physically worn out to the point of not being able to move. Add a heavy weight bringing your head down. There is no rational thought but every thought turns to worthlessness, despair and hopelessness. My growing thought of depression near the end was that I was never going to get better, I was always going to feel like this. I don't know much about souls but whenever I fall into depression I feel I die a little inside, a little part of my soul is taken from me. If I am already in hell then how can not being alive be any worse.

When I took those pills I started out one by one, but then urgency grew to end everything so I took increasing amounts. I was ready to just fall asleep and never wake up. This happened temporarily.

The physical pain of an overdose is easily more describable but also extremely hard to imagine if you have not been there yourself. It was a heat wave of nerves lashing at my body and a sickly disorientation. 

The physical pain shocked me out of my mental pain which turned to the rational human emotion of shear panic. I got help. 

And thank goodness the person who brought me to the hospital thought to bring the pill bottle. Even in my intense pain it was still embarrassing explaining to the ER why I was there. After telling them I overdosed they asked, "Why?" A normal enough question but seriously? HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHY?! I was treated very fast. And I feel like I paid for my stupidity when I had to drink two bottles of charcoal which I was only able to down because my throat was so cut up from vomit that I needed liquid. 

I felt so so so stupid for my attempt. I don't know how to convince myself somedays that I was sick when I was making my decisions. Was I even making my decisions? Just like if someone who is mentally ill commits a crime, am I not responsible for my actions? I don't have an answer. The only thing I do know is what I am responsible for and that is advocating for myself. Getting the help I need so I never reach that place again. I don't expect to be cured but I don't want depression to dictate the rest of my life. And so far I've been depression symptom free (minus fatigue) for two weeks.