The Body

My body walks. My mouth talks. My mind drifts. How I wish all three could come together again.

Fire

The fire inside has died. I do not remember the exact moment of it being extinguished. No ember remains, simply coal. No fanning will bring the fire back to life. My soul is lost. It is only my body that walks and talks. All that is left is emptiness and strangeness to my manners. Where do I find a spark?

Let's Talk

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day in order to raise awareness for people suffering from mental health illnesses. Its so great to highlight the most important part of raising awareness about these devastating illnesses: we need to start talking about it. Erase the stigma! One of my heroes, Michael Landsberg, talks openly about his depression and some facts about how many Canadians do suffer from Mental Illness. Give it a watch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORgewkVpQjg

Cancer of the Mind

I have cancer of the mind. I can feel each tick of a second as if it lasts a lifetime. It's numbing yet all encompassing at the same time. It pulls your body downwards, your eyelids almost closing, your mouth immobile. Your head is the heaviest part of your body and it feels like it could snap off your neck at any moment. But the physical compares nothing to your thoughts. All I want to do is die. My friend lives in a high rise condo downtown with a balcony. One jump and all of this would be over. A subway train would be fast but messy.
Disturbed yet? You should be. The demon is still there, snaking its way in my brain. Beckoning me until it is too late to turn back. I can't win. As much as I pull and tug the demon will not budge. It simply moves from my mind to my soul, eating my insides away.

Concentrate On Today

Everything I Am

I may not be the prettiest or the wittiest
I may not be the smartest or the kindest
I may not be the bravest or the funniest
I may not be everything you expect
But I am true to myself.
What more can I ask for?

Will It Always Be Like This?

Wow. I can't believe I made it through another day like yesterday. I feel much better today but still a little worn out. Part of what got to me yesterday was: what if I have these experiences every few months for the rest of my life? I really don't know if I am strong enough to survive that.

Bad Week

I haven't been doing so well since I've returned back to school. I've had two days of depression, one where I just cried all day. I hate this so much and sometimes it just feels so fucking unfair. It makes me want to give up. So right now I'm lying in bed. I can't move. I tried to go shower earlier but I couldn't bring myself to follow through. I haven't eaten. I just want to be all alone. I am engulfed and I hate it. But it feels like there is no other way.

Doing Something About It

Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to everyone!
I was really nervous about coming home for the holidays because as much as I love my family, home seems to have the most triggers for me simply because of the history. But so far except for some mild anxiety I have been faring great.
I have also started writing my whole story. I don't know if I'm nearly done because I don't know how much I'm going to write or include. But I'm hoping it will be successful and maybe even help some people. We'll see...
I still have to think of a new years resolution.

I'm Not Scared of Anything but...

My only fear is falling back into a depressed state. Whenever something bad happens throughout my daily life or I just have feelings of anxiety I always wonder, will this be the trigger that sends me spiraling downwards once again?
That's why I am looking forward to starting cognitive behaviour therapy so I can help myself when I am sitting on the fence between depression and balance.

Surprises

I just received a letter from a friend I have not heard from in awhile saying he had come across my blog.  I put my blog's link up on a site called 8tracks where I have made a playlist titled "For When You're Depressed" (it plays some of the songs I listed in the previous blog). I shared the the music to help people during tough days but I also put the link to this blog in order to raise more awareness. Back to the letter however, my friend happened across this playlist which lead to him sharing his story of depression with me.
It was a good reminder to why I am doing this in the first place, to reach others who have shared experiences with depression and other mental health illnesses. It is a good reminder that nobody is experiencing depression alone even though most days it can feel that way. Loneliness is my present much of the time. But it is little reminders like the letter I received that depression has effected many.
Since it has effected so many would it not be helpful for us to raise awareness together to make change happen now, so that we don't lose anymore people, especially youth to this painful disease.

Click this link to go to 8tracks playlist: http://8tracks.com/hannahelise/for-when-you-re-depressed

Music

Music has really helped when I'm dealing with depression, I have a specific playlist I use when I need something to help me get through an episode or to keep myself from falling in. I have to thank Mumford and Sons for truly helping me get through some of the tough times. They're song "The Cave" has one sentence in the lyrics which I can really relate to: "I'll find strength in pain."Another song which has helped is Float On by Modest Mouse with lyrics that say: "Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands, Good news will works its way to all them plans." I actually wrote that message on the inspiration chalkboard at the hospital before I left.
My playlist includes:
Float On - Modest Mouse
The Cave - Mumford and Sons
Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons
Don't Stop Believing - Glee Cast
Alright - Shiloh
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Hard Line - Jill Barber
There She Goes - The Las

And sometimes when lyrics prove to be to much...classical music can be so soothing.

It Gets Better

I am very conflicted over the videos titled "It Gets Better" relaying the message to LGBT adolescents and teens about how their world will improve after leaving high school. But what about now? Rick Mercer from CBC rants about the need for action to be taken now, for things to get better right now. He calls upon adult role models to start taking action this minute.
That is my question for depression, what about right now? When I am in the middle of a depressed episode having people tell me that everything will get better eventually almost makes things worse. All I can think about how terrible my present feels. Action needs to be taken now.
I've seen one commercial advertising for depressionhurts.ca but other then that I think there is a huge lack of public awareness for depression as well as a lack of role models. We need to rid the whole stigma of mental health and start putting measures to make sure even when people, especially young people, are feeling this pain there is help readily available help. That is why I am sharing my story, I am slowly getting better. But my voice is not big enough yet to reach as many depressed people as I would like.

Avoiding It Doesn't Make It Go Away

It's been awhile since I've written, I'm one of those people who are good at starting up projects but not following through. But I would really like to stick to this writing because of the importance of the subject.
I've stopped counting days I've gone without any depression symptoms because I've been feeling better then ever. A bit of stress from exams and essays would have me a bit on edge but so far I've felt really balanced out. Its something I have to remember to be thankful for everyday. A day of depression feels about ten times longer than a normal day. I don't know if that makes sense, but perhaps its just because I really retain the memory of a depressed day then a not-depressed day.
As I get stronger I can't forget my journey and all the people who weren't able to get through the same difficulties I have.

Feeling Good

I've been feeling so much better the past while I've hardly written. Its so hard because when I am feeling fine I tend to forget about feeling depressed. Not that I want to forget, its just such a relief. So one way I am setting up a foundation for if I do get sick again is writing about these good days so that I will always remember that it does get better.
These are some other tools that help me make sure I don't fall on the other side of the fence: I try to make a schedule for myself everyday that includes being outside at least once. Fresh air is highly underrated and I've found in the past that although it may not eliminate the depression it does help numb the feeling to a degree. Having a schedule keeps me busy and keeps me from feeling I have no life and also keeps me from over-thinking.
It is extremely hard once you are in an episode of depression to bring yourself out, but sometimes doing a few of these things make it a little more bearable. On the other hand, its good to remember not to push yourself because if you get overwhelmed and expect too much of yourself that just has the opposite effect.
The worst thing is lying in bed when you're depressed but sometimes that is all you can do.

Unwanted

I know triggers are just that, triggers. But sometimes they seem to push my depression over the edge of fence I tend to sit on. The fence of emotion. I still think about my ex sometimes and it still makes me feel worthless. He left me for another girl. And that left me feeling like I am not worth holding onto.

Frustration

The reason I began recording past events and present on a blog was to share the life of a person dealing with depression. It can be extremely frustrating, just like any ailment, however, what increases the frustration and difficulty of receiving help is that you can't see it. Walking down the street you would not be able to tell I had depression. In fact, I'd say the majority of people I interact with in my life are not aware of my disability. There are multiple reasons, but to name a few: embarrassment, fear and misunderstanding. There is a stigma of mental illness, which is part of the reason I choose not to share.
Even sharing with doctors at times can trigger these reactions. I had a resident at my GP's office a couple years ago who told me that I did not need to continue on my anti-depressants since I had been using them for over a year and should be fine by now. I was so upset I didn't even get around to asking what I had come for in the first place. Another incident happened last fall after a very difficult break. My depression symptoms obviously manifested themselves more severely than usual and the psychiatrist I did talk to did not take me on because he attributed it all to the break up. My argument against that would be the break up was a trigger, but definitely not a cause of the depression. Again this summer I was approached in the same vague manner by a different doctor when I shared my worries about increasing symptoms of depression I noticed in myself. The advice I received was to make sure I was eating a healthy diet and getting enough sleep.
There have also been doctors that have taken the opposite approach and taken action to help me, however, I really wish depression could be taken more seriously.
It makes me not want to try anymore. But I do. I have three appointments this week to tackle various parts of my depression. I'm going to keep trying.

Dying vs. Escape

Sometimes the division of my thoughts of death and just not being present anymore turn gray. When I am depressed it is death I want, but my real self only wants an escape from the pain. My internal pain is indescribable, but I'll try. Imagine you are physically worn out to the point of not being able to move. Add a heavy weight bringing your head down. There is no rational thought but every thought turns to worthlessness, despair and hopelessness. My growing thought of depression near the end was that I was never going to get better, I was always going to feel like this. I don't know much about souls but whenever I fall into depression I feel I die a little inside, a little part of my soul is taken from me. If I am already in hell then how can not being alive be any worse.

When I took those pills I started out one by one, but then urgency grew to end everything so I took increasing amounts. I was ready to just fall asleep and never wake up. This happened temporarily.

The physical pain of an overdose is easily more describable but also extremely hard to imagine if you have not been there yourself. It was a heat wave of nerves lashing at my body and a sickly disorientation. 

The physical pain shocked me out of my mental pain which turned to the rational human emotion of shear panic. I got help. 

And thank goodness the person who brought me to the hospital thought to bring the pill bottle. Even in my intense pain it was still embarrassing explaining to the ER why I was there. After telling them I overdosed they asked, "Why?" A normal enough question but seriously? HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHY?! I was treated very fast. And I feel like I paid for my stupidity when I had to drink two bottles of charcoal which I was only able to down because my throat was so cut up from vomit that I needed liquid. 

I felt so so so stupid for my attempt. I don't know how to convince myself somedays that I was sick when I was making my decisions. Was I even making my decisions? Just like if someone who is mentally ill commits a crime, am I not responsible for my actions? I don't have an answer. The only thing I do know is what I am responsible for and that is advocating for myself. Getting the help I need so I never reach that place again. I don't expect to be cured but I don't want depression to dictate the rest of my life. And so far I've been depression symptom free (minus fatigue) for two weeks.

Sick of Being Tired

Depression is more than just being tired. Its your body weighing down on you. Today I am still free of my usual symptoms of depression but I cannot seem to escape fatigue. I have been trying to maintain a good sleep schedule but after doing an activity, as simple as getting groceries this morning, I feel like I have to lie down and have a nap. Its so frustrating because in my mind I keep thinking, I need to do homework, clean, etc. That is when I have to make a point of reminding myself to slow down, because I'm sick. If I had the flu or a fever there is no way I would be as hard on myself as I am when I am feeling depressed. I should mention I am also anemic and have spherocytosis, which just adds a whole other layer to my fatigue. It makes me not want to write or do anything. But my mind never shuts off.

Remembrance & Learning From Mistakes

Today is Remembrance Day and I would like to acknowledge all of the fallen and those still in service for their selfless actions allowing us to live life the way we do today.
I am so lucky to be in this country and receive the health care I do. But there is still much work to do in terms of the help received for depression.
I received a call today from a doctor who runs a cognitive behavior class which I have been referred to by my psychiatrist (it's very interesting and for more info check out Mind Over Mood by Dr. Greenberg). But what I want to discuss is just like most medical wait times: the wait to get into this class is a month. With my depression that I was facing earlier this season I couldn't wait.
I've really tried (or rather my mother has) finding all resources to help me battle depression. I tried crisis hotlines and got put on hold. Even getting into counseling at my university was difficult. The worst I have to say was after I had my suicide attempt of overdosing in late August I was allowed to go home after three days. And because of the overdose they had taken me off my medication which I have been taking since I was 15 years old (grade ten). I saw my psychiatrist as an out patient once after that and then there was another two week wait. I began my spiral downwards once again. If I had not gone home at the insistence of my mother I probably would have reached the point of no return again.
As convincing as I can be when I am not in the middle of a depressive episode I think allowing me to return to normal life three days after my suicide attempt was irresponsible. I'm not blaming a particular person. But the system has to be adjusted. Even though I am physically sound I question where the blame would go if I were not treated for my disease and killed myself? Was it really me making that decision or is it the disease that could have killed me similar to cancer or any other disease?

For more information on cognitive behavior therapy check out this link for Mind Over Mood by Dr. Greenberg: http://www.mindovermood.com/